Because I know that 16-year old me will not appreciate a narrative advice from a 23-year old,
I wrote a poem that she’ll most likely pretend to brush off (but go back to when the lights are off).
For some time I’ve been deliberating whether I should show my sketches and graffiti to other people, my friends especially. It was never a big secret that I love being creative– that when words fail me, I fall to drawings, doodles and caricature art. Back in primary school, everyone knew I drew but it was not exactly a big deal because most my friends are as artistic if not more artistic than I am.
As I grew older and labels started to get thrown around, most people forgot or never got to know that my creative side is an important part of me- that I love drawing (not saying I’m amazing though) as much as I love writing or speaking for causes. If they ask, I’d probably mention it in passing but often they don’t really wanna go into those things. It wasn’t in the usual run of our conversations.
True to my overly critical self, I became less and less confident about my works so it wasn’t now just an issue of no one asking. It became more of a constant need to hide it, suppress or deny it. I stopped drawing for awhile but I find myself going back to it when confronted with extreme emotions. Sometimes it will be as simple as doodles on my journal. Other times it will be as elaborate as painting my shirts or posters on my wall. If I could have gotten away with painting my room, I probably would.
I realized that my subconscious is telling me something very important. Drawing, painting, doodling, they’re not just an escape; they’re a part of who I am. Suppressing them because I think my abilities are inadequate won’t make me feel better about them nor would it improve my ability to actually perform them. If I feel insecure about something as important to me as they are then I must work harder at them until I feel confident enough to share them or at least talk about them.
So here I am, trying to push myself to talk about it and share it to people who care enough to read my entries because I think it’s an important part of me and maybe also to inspire others that there’s nothing to be ashamed of about loving something so much even if you’re not exponentially good at it.
I’m not at a point where I can go around saying that I’m good at drawing or painting because I don’t think I am (YET). This girl is still hard at work improving herself. When I feel I’m ready, I’ll show it some more but at this moment I don’t feel embarrassed saying that I draw. I don’t have to downplay what it truly means to me and how much it has helped me. Plus, I thought you should know that I found that courage to ask a really good friend if he wanted to see some of my works. It was scary (and will probably sting a little if he hates them) but that’s all just part of it. I’m glad I did it because I know I eventually should trust the people that matter to me to love every part of me- no matter how imperfect, quirky or strange it is.
I’ve always kept a special place in my heart for drawings and doodles and painting and photography, all those creative outlets that free your mind. Sadly, they’ve taken a back seat to my other more rational and income generating endeavors.
I tucked them away, hoping one day I’ll scurry through my old piles like we always do when we feel exhausted and lost.
So here I am rediscovering my love for drawing. Pencil in hand, I’m taking a long deserved break from all the writing and stressing and I’ll go find a subject.
Wish me luck. ツ
The humidity in this country is beyond bearable. I found myself waking up in the middle of night, running to bathroom and taking a quick shower just to get through the next few hours without having a heat stroke. The only upside to this delirious experience is you can get creative as to how you spend the rest of the summer.
Here’s how I plan to enjoy mine.
MY SUMMER READING LIST
|THE BEST OF ME, by Nicholas Sparks. Twenty-five years after their high school romance ended, a man and woman who have gone their separate ways return to their North Carolina town for the funeral of a friend.|
|CALICO JOE, by John Grisham. In the summer of 1973, a fateful baseball play unites a dazzling rookie, a hard-partying and hard-throwing pitcher and the pitcher’s young son.|
|NOW YOU SEE HER, by James Patterson and Michael Ledwidge. Nina Bloom, a successful lawyer and loving mother who years ago changed her identity to save her life, is forced to confront the past and the killer she thought she had escaped.|
|A GAME OF THRONES, by George R. R. Martin. In the frozen wastes to the north of Winterfell, sinister and supernatural forces are mustering; Book 1 of “A Song of Ice and Fire.”|
|DELUSION IN DEATH, by J. D. Robb. Lt. Eve Dallas tries to sort out the inexplicable events at a bar where, after 12 minutes of chaos, more than 80 people lay dead; by Nora Roberts, writing pseudonymously.|
|THE LOST YEARS, by Mary Higgins Clark. A biblical scholar who made an amazing discovery is murdered, and it falls to his daughter to unravel the mystery behind his death.|
|THE WANDERER, by Robyn Carr. Hank Cooper inherits a beachfront property in Thunder Point, Ore., and finds himself with a community’s destiny in his hands.|
|THE INNOCENT, by David Baldacci. When something about his latest mission seems wrong, the government assassin Will Robie refuses to kill. Now he’s a target himself.|
|SEVERE CLEAR, by Stuart Woods. Stone Barrington travels to Bel-Air for the opening of a luxury hotel that, according to the N.S.A., may have attracted the attention of terrorists.|
|DEFENDING JACOB, by William Landay. An assistant district attorney’s life is shaken when his shy 14-year-old son is accused of murder.|
I remember when I was about 4, I spent my summer running around the front yard, picking mangoes which fell from the trees I climb, eating fried bananas and tagging along when my grandparents when visit the rice fields. That was my perfect summer. Now that I’m older and sadly incapable of climbing trees, my perfect summer is letting loose and creating a better version of myself .
Whatever it is, make sure to have fun and enjoy the sun.