it’s YOUR fault (the blame game)

It’s become so easy for people to transfer blame when needed. Granted pointing a finger is less effort than actually solving the problem or coming clean about issues but ask yourself, who is that really helping?

Not those who were wronged, I’m sure. They’re still there wallowing in their pain, hoping that someone at least says sorry. Not you, you’re in DENIAL. You’re gonna keep making the same mistakes unless YOU recognize they were your mistakes in the first place.

Take that girl you’re dating for example, you’ve been cheating on her for awhile and every time you get into a fight about it. You say she’s being too suspicious. That’s your fear of getting found out projecting onto her as a defense mechanism. (This is clearly a hypothetical guys. LOL. Calm down.)

Or

In my case, I’ve been procrastinating doing something really important, something I should have done for awhile now. Everytime it gets brought up I blame my health, my degree, circumstance. Name an excuse, I’ve probably already used it. Every single reason except the honest one, ME. I’m stuck. I think it’s easier to sit here and wait for things to happen than actually do something about it.

I’m having none of that anymore.

I’m just gonna pick up the phone today and start calling people I need to call to get my book out there. Yes guys, all this ranting is about a book- well, MY book. It’s a long shot but most dreams are.

I guess other than assigning blame on some external force, I let my fear of rejection cripple me. I’ve had my fair share of doors slammed in my face, professionally and not so professionally. *wink* I’ve learned to accept that, but writing, especially literature, is where I’m most vulnerable so I keep putting it off.

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Funny thing about rejection, it’s okay as long as you’re at a safe distance and you have a back-up plan. Remove those and you feel naked, stripped of a get away. That’s when fear sets in and you’re not sure what to do. If you’re ever in a position like this, FACE YOUR FEAR. Usually the thing we’re afraid of the most are the most gratifying to conquer.

Here’s a little nugget of wisdom from someone who has been in denial and afraid for awhile. Take responsibility for your actions, mistakes or otherwise. You’ll find your sleep more comfortable at night and your errors, whatever they were, tucked away in your experience chest. You never know, if you cheated or did something really bad to someone, you just might be forgiven. Sorry goes a long way. At least in my book, it does.

For the dreamers, don’t let fear take over your life. Don’t blame the lack of inspiration, opportunities or some other made-up story you know is just another thing to blame. Focus on the dream and JUST START.

You can be great if you choose to be.

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proof that nothing ‘productive’ happens after 2 AM

*nervous laughter*

photo from parisapartment.wordpress.com –

To the MAN of my dreams (literally),

Often I wonder why I can see you better with my eyes closed, when sandman’s dust has me under its spell. Does it mean I’m incapable of welcoming you- any semblance of you- into my days as much as my nights? Maybe I have- once- but you never came or worse, you did but decided to break my heart.

Truly I was never romantic. Just the mere suggestion of the word makes me cringe but some part of me, most likely the part I suppressed so purposefully that it can only haunt me in my slumber, still believes you too are somewhere wondering where I am.

When (or if) our paths finally cross, know that I’m not expecting a walking checklist or somebody’s reinterpretation of perfect. I’m a rebel that way.

I don’t have many delusions of love or relationships or forever because some time ago my dad sat me down and told me how loving someone is messy and consuming and scary and … real. There won’t be a fairy godmother to ward off  vile creatures (you know what I mean- the slutty kind) or a magic wand to make the other eternally agreeable to my every whim. It will take work. Trust me, I get that.

If I may, I ask that you be patient with me. I’ve been hurt a lot you see- mostly by people I trusted blindly. I may ignore you, only take a second to look at you or push you away completely but if you see a future with me, hang in there. I assure you I ALWAYS notice. Soon enough  you’ll win me over if you haven’t already.

When I close my eyes, I imagine waking up to a faint burnt smell from the kitchen where you tried to cook us breakfast. Teasing you about your little mishap and you feigning hurt will be our morning’s humor. I’ll laugh at ALL your jokes and be your biggest cheerleader on every game even if you don’t ever leave the bench. You’ll indulge my reading habits and my obsessive need to collect comic books. You even find my inability to ride a bike or serve a volleyball charming.

We’d spend lazy afternoons in our sweats watching a movie or playing Call of Duty. Together we’d pursue our passions and be happy for each other’s every accomplishment. We’ll never forget to say sorry or leave a fight unresolved. I’ll learn to give you space when you ask for it but never be too far for when you need a hug or a kiss or just someone to assure you it’s all gonna be okay. Other people’s opinions about us won’t matter because I care more about you than them anyway. We’ll be each other’s best friend and we’ll grow up, be silly, see the world and be happy together.

I don’t expect our relationship to be perfect like the fairy tales I used to read or like the romcoms my sister quotes all the time. I’d rather have one that’s real and yes, messy and imperfect and at times, difficult but it will be ours and that’s so much better. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be waiting. I just know you’re worth it. For now, I’ll see you in my dreams.

Still metaphorically sleeping,

Yours

man of my dreams

or should I say MEN of my dreams?

The past few months I decided to rekindle my passion for chronicling my dreams (and I mean real dreams, ones you have when you’re sleeping) on a dream journal. So far I have 3 dreams vivid and interesting enough to be entries. Too bad I haven’t gotten around to buying a journal. For now, I write them down on the nearest piece of paper I could grab and if there’s not one in sight, I type it down relentlessly on my phone.

Then I thought, why not blog about it instead?

The first part of the dream was a mad dash from one place to another. I don’t remember why I was such in a hurry but it must have been really important because I was almost out of breath the whole time. All I remember is sitting with people I don’t know striking up a conversation, asking them what they thought about some pictures. It was dare, one I always do with my friends (when I’m awake obviously). Everything else was a blur until…

I walk into another dream. It was in a huge, modern hall. It reminds me of a school gym only brighter and with better air conditioning. It seems that I was one of the organizers of the event because I was running around, trying to deal with everything. I remember walking up to a friend and discussing some things when someone approached me.

HIM: Hi, I’m Ryan!

ME: Hey, we met right?

HIM: Yup! Last night, you sat with us.

ME: Sorry, sorry, sorry. That was a dare.

I could feel my cheeks turning bright red as I try to stumble the words out of my lips. He’s one of the guys from the table I randomly talked to. UGH! This is embarrassing.

HIM: No, no! Don’t be. It was…uhm…interesting.

ME: Sorry what’s your name again?

HIM: Munchkin.

He smiles and winks. Did I call him that before? I don’t remember but it sounded cute so I let it slide. He reaches out for my hand and shakes it.

HIM: Really nice meeting you.

I’m sure I’ve never met him outside my dream. Does that mean anything? I already forget most of his features but I remember his bright smile and chinky eyes. I don’t even remember why he seems to think we call each other munchkin. Why on earth would I call someone a munchkin? I eat munchkins not use it to call a guy as a term of endearment. Weird, weird but really sweet. 

Then another guy walks up to me and smiles. I remember him from my other dream. He’s friend with the Ryan. He stands right beside me and puts his arm around my shoulders. I tried to stare at him as he rested his head on mine.

ME: Who are we doing this for?

I asked him as I tried to look around the room. I guess I was looking for a jealous ex or a girl he’s currently courting.

HIM: Nobody.

ME: HA-HA! Funny. Joking right?

HIM: No, I just really like you.

I feel flutters in my tummy, ones which feel really tingly but so good at the same time. We stayed that way for some time until a woman called our attention to the stage and asked us to put our heads down and pray.

Pray, really? I thought I was in some conference. I guess dreams don’t always make sense. More importantly, who was that guy? I don’t think I’ve met him before but strangely, he feels familiar like I’ve known him for a long time. He’s really cute and sweet, the guy- next-door type who’s sporting a really short brown hair and sporty yellow shirt. 

I keep wondering what the dream meant. Was it a deep-seated desire, a bleak memory, a peek into the future or just another happy story? I guess I might never know. If ever meet them though, then we’ll have one hell of an intro.

‘Hey! I met you in my dream.’ (Then he’ll say, “Me too.”)

my superman dream

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We all have that Superman dream, that consuming sometimes suffocating vision of ourselves.

You know in your gut that’s all you wanna be and all you wanna have but you feel that saying it, pursuing it and living it is way out of your means or far from the expectations already set in front of you.

It would be easier to remain Clark Kent, pragmatic, reliable and plain rather than be the risky, over the top super hero you’ve always wanted to be.

Your dream betrays your reality. 

I’ve been there. God help me, there are days when I think I still am. On those rare, depressing days, I imagine myself already living my dream. It’s not to escape reality but just to remind myself that maybe in an alternate space or time or dimension, I’m already a humanitarian or a published author or a gallery owner or a world traveler or maybe all those. 

It reminds me that I can be whoever I want to be regardless of norms, expectations and standards. I can take a risk because it’s my life, my happiness to risk. I wish one day everyone will have the courage to do the same because we all deserve to realize our Superman dream.