how to be strong

Am I even strong?

There’s a lot I have to learn about strength, and I won’t pretend to have the worst experiences to back up whatever I have to say because I, most likely, don’t.

The last few weeks has been rough for me, and the only time I ever felt like this was 3 years ago. I remember shutting everyone and everything out when I crumbled because I was terrified of being judged, of being deemed as weak then taken advantage of, and I know a part of me didn’t wanna trust anyone anymore. I guess that’s why I ran; it wasn’t just figurative either.

When things started coming at me again about a month ago, I wanted to do the same thing. The feeling reminded me of my worst nightmares, not that I wanna wake from them, but that I wanna stay in them. Surely, they were all better than how I felt right now, but even that’s not an option because I’m stuck — again not just figuratively. This is where I grow a deeper fondness for John Green’s Papertowns. I wish I was Margaux Roth Spiegelman; I’d grab a backpack and a map and just go.

Leave.

It’s not always as easy or simple as uprooting your whole life and physically running from what you think is the problem. Sometimes the problem runs with you, not after you. You’re the key to the problem.

How you handle it lies in your understanding of yourself and what you’re facing. Trust that, and if it’s not too much to ask, trust the people who genuinely care about you too. I made the mistake of walking away when I could have had the support of those who didn’t leave when I was breaking. Not only did I make the the journey unnecessarily difficult for myself, I also punished them immensely.

I’m not suggesting to cling onto someone because I know, in times like this, you’d want to be alone and think, but don’t cut your connections because they may be your lifeline when you’re done facing your beast. Remind yourself that they want to be a part of your life, hardship or not, because they want you to be okay. Their means won’t always be what you need or want, but that doesn’t dilute the concern they have for you.

I won’t act like I have the answers because, if you’re going through a rough patch, we’re in the same boat, sailing similar traitorous waters. All I have to leave you with is the advice that I never got: strength comes in different forms. It won’t always mean facing the problem head on or running away from it completely. Whatever it means to you, remember that you have the power here, even when it feels like a free fall. 

THE FAULT IN OUR STARS MOVIE UPDATE

When I recommended The Fault in Our Stars some months ago, along with a huge side of fangirling over the perfection that is Augustus Waters, I might have mentioned that it was going to be a movie.

Well it’s official release date in most countries, including mine, is June 4th- today!

 

I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am to finally see it after months and months of pining and stalking John Green for the latest updates. I’m gonna blog about it again after I see it but for now I just really wanna persuade you guys to come see it. Not only is the storyline amazing, Ansel Elgort playing Gus is a huge plus too.

Tell me guys what you think about it. 🙂

song pick of the week: ALL OF THE STARS by Ed Sheeran

Because I most recently have been exploring my love for music I thought it would be fun to post a song pick every week– most likely the one I’ve been listening to the most. It’d cover any genre but since I listen to a lot of alternative and acoustic music, you’d probably see me post a lot of those and btw, I also follow a lot of Youtubers who maintain music channels and have really good covers so I might share some of those too.

This particular one, All of the Stars by Ed Sheeran, was posted just about a week ago and it has been on repeat since. I think I’ve pissed off my neighbors for playing it a tad too loudly and all the friggin time. That should tell you how much I love it but then again, I AM CRAZY ABOUT ED. Have been since I first heard A Team and has grown exponentially when he sang the ost for one of my favorite books of all time, The Hobbit.

And he’s done it again.

This song is the ost for The Fault in Our Stars, a much anticipated movie starring Ansel Elgort and Shailene Woodley which is based on John Green’s bestseller of the same name. I think this song is written perfectly for the movie. I could not fault it one bit.

I hope you love it as much as I do.

All Of The Stars Lyrics

by Ed Sheeran

It’s just another night
And I’m staring at the moon
I saw a shooting star
And thought of you
I sang a lullaby
By the waterside and knew
If you were here,
I’d sing to you
You’re on the other side
As the skyline splits in two
I’m miles away from seeing you
I can see the stars
From America
I wonder, do you see them, too?

So open your eyes and see
The way our horizons meet
And all of the lights will lead
Into the night with me
And I know these scars will bleed
But both of our hearts believe
All of these stars will guide us home

I can hear your heart
On the radio beat
They’re playing ‘Chasing Cars’
And I thought of us
Back to the time,
You were lying next to me
I looked across and fell in love
So I took your hand
Back through lamp lit streets I knew
Everything led back to you
So can you see the stars?
Over Amsterdam
You’re the song my heart is
Beating to

So open your eyes and see
The way our horizons meet
And all of the lights will lead
Into the night with me
And I know these scars will bleed
But both of our hearts believe
All of these stars will guide us home

And, oh, I know
And oh, I know, oh
I can see the stars
From America

okay

the fault in (most) our lives

Last night I contemplated rereading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green after rushing through every page the first time I read it. I will not tell you how many times I’ve read that book for that will divulge how much more free time I truly have in my hands which in friend talk means they can drag me out to party or do ‘COOL’ stuff- whatever that means. *wink*

Needless to say, my yearning for more Augustus Waters won over my body’s cries for sleep so I found my nook and started focusing on the words in front of me. After breezing through some chapters, I caught myself pausing at every highlighted text. It wasn’t as if I haven’t read them before because I have, a few times- okay, a dozen of times- but I can’t help myself. The highlights seem to DEMAND attention, the same way pain needs to be felt and emotions expressed. So I allowed myself to linger on those words.

That made me ask, when was the last time I fully took in an accomplishment? When was the last time I relished achieving a goal after a long battle getting there? Right, ages ago. I’m always in a hurry, rushing through one thing I could tick off my checklist to another that I couldn’t even be bothered for five seconds to say hey that was probably the highlight of my week. I did good.

I don’t want being busy or running around to be my  life although I guess I’m pretty good at that- a lot of us are. That shouldn’t define us. It could describe our schedule but not define who we are. Sometimes we don’t have to do so much to be fulfilled. We only have to pay close attention and notice how much we’ve already done then give ourselves the occasional pat in the back. God knows we busy bodies deserve it.