by her side (a poem by the 12 year old me)

Disclaimer: Before anyone gets the funny idea that I’ve crossed over to the hopeless romantic, can’t eat, can’t sleep, truly, madly, deeply inlove side, let me crush those hopes with the sad truth that I am still the rational, calculating, priorities first kinda girl who does a little flirting on the side. We all need a little flirting right?. *winks* This poem was from when I was 12. I have no idea who I wrote it for or why because as I remember I discovered the word crush in high school.

I found it extremely amusing though so here goes.

By Her Side (the 12 year old me)

Falling for you makes me wonder,

how everyday your smile makes me fonder,

how I can think of a thousand words to say

but around you I seem to fade away.

I know you like her, I can see.

Don’t worry I’m not asking for sympathy.

I just don’t understand why it still hurts me

knowing that she makes you so happy.

I just hope and pray she’ll love you

the way I’ve always wanted to.

But if she ever makes you cry,

I’ll be by your side to wipe you tears dry.

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Three Wishes

I refrain from posting depressing messages and pictures on my blog thinking this was originally my happiness haven but I just really had to post this one. It reminds me of why I love humanitarian work and why I do what I do. If I can help kids like these, foster them off the streets and into a more promising future then I will have exceeded my own expectations.

In Flow with Otto

The story of Sasha and Roma is heartbreaking. Two boys living on the streets of St. Petersburg. Sniffing glue the only comfort in their young life. This is a story Øystein brought back from a visit to Russia some years ago. Read the whole story on Øystein’s & Otto’s Blog

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Love is without guarantees

Love is without guarantees.

They say that love is one of the many endeavors of man which isn’t calculated or rationalized. It’s more than a feeling; it’s an iniative fuelled by human will. Because it isn’t with reason that we love, we cannot justify why we have it or why we’ve lost it. It simply happens and when it does we say that it was never guaranteed to work or last anyway.

But then I ask, “What guarantee are you looking for anyway?”  

The security that he will not find another

A vow that you will live in eternal bliss

A promise that you’ll wake up everyday knowing it will never end

If that is what you believe guarantees in love are then you are right, there are none.

As for me, I find love provides a different guarantee, one which is more personal- more for the self than for the partner or your relationship with him. Love warrants humanity, that moment of absolute vulnerability you are willing to take to be with another. It assures you of an experience that transforms you or at the very least, reveals to you your deeper, more unguarded self.

When you are in the a happier stages of a relationship, one depicted in romcoms and chick flicks, you realize you can be happy and that you deserve it. Even when you lose him, you continue to find happiness for yourself because you’ve discovered how uplifting and empowering it is.

In the darker pre and post break up stages, you feel pain and learn to deal with it. It does not matter how, through beer, parties, writing, painting, eating or ranting, as long as you acquire that resilience we all need to get ahead in life.

You’ve won, not that it ever was a competition.

Love may not last. It may not be entirely of bliss or with one guy but it comes with a guarantee. You will learn and you will grow and you will have at least loved. Isn’t that takeaway enough?

what I really meant

When I said I wanted to watch shooting stars race to fall,

I meant I hope I could wish on one so I could have you.

When I said I’d be adventurous enough to try bungee jumping,

I meant I won’t be scared if I’d do it with you.

When I asked you to drive around with me for hours,

I meant I really wanna spend time with you, just you.

When I told you my favorite song,

I meant I wish you’d sing it for me.

When I shared how embarrassing it would be to dance in front of a crowd,

I meant dance with me and I won’t even notice them.

When I opened up to you,

I meant I trust you. Please trust me too.

When I whispered to you that I’ve been hurt a lot.

I meant I hope you won’t.

dance

2 weeks, 2 years

*Hi! So I was cleaning up my Facebook account when I read some of my old notes from way back when I could still squeal about romance and stuff, and thought it would be fun to post it here. It’s just to remind me that I once was or maybe still is (deep down- I mean really really deep, way down there) a hopeless romantic. 

** This entry was actually inspired by Dear John, Nicholas Sparks. If you’re into romantic, fateful and enduring tales of love, this is the perfect read for you. You can also watch the movie starring Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried.

 

2 weeks was all it took for me to fall in love with you.

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It’s a lie. I wasn’t sure it was at first but it definitely was a lie.

It has been at least two years since I first met you. We never got along like most people do when they first meet but strangely we grew close and understood each other. I spent 2 years to get to know you, to ignore you, to cope up with your mood swings, to suffer your harsh words, live with your persistence, listen to your music,  admire your principles

but yes,two weeks,

two weeks to finally admit I have already fallen for you.

when you’re not the exception

*Hi! So I was cleaning up my Facebook account when I read some of my old notes from way back when I could still squeal about romance and stuff, and thought it would be fun to post it here. It’s just to remind me that I once was or maybe still is (deep down- I mean really really deep, way down there) a hopeless romantic. 

** You might wanna check Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo’s He’s Just Not That Into You. This old note of mine reminds me of that book.

Is it enough to save the friendship and give up any chance to pursue my own happiness?

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I walked alone that night thinking I had to think things through. From afar I could hear your faint calls to ask me to stop so you could keep up. I pretended not to notice, the same way I pretended not to notice the way I felt all these years. When you finally caught up with me, I felt my heart change its usual rhythm, the way it always does when you’re around.

You didn’t have to say anything, I already knew.

You found your exception.

That exception that you always said would make you a better man, a happy man.

She’s your exception

and I’ll be the girl who is be happy for you from afar.

silver linings playbook

I looked up silver linings this morning. I do that sometimes, type some mindless word on Google and click search. Sometimes it’s random but for the most part it’s my subconscious telling me I’m looking for something. About a month ago I googled “how to start a blog” and here I am blogging. Turns out I was looking for an outlet all this time I just wasn’t aware of it.

So I wondered why was I secretly obsessed with Silver Linings Playbook that I’d still be thinking about it on the wee hours of the morning. 

Was it because I find Jennifer Lawrence interesting, Bradley Cooper hot or David Russel inspiring? Maybe it’s the thought of silver linings itself that made me so attached to it. I wasn’t so sure when I started this post so I had to sit it out and think about it.

silver-linings-playbook-movie

The movie starts with Pat’s struggles of coping with his cheating wife and his bipolar disorder. He thought that changing would be his chance to reconcile with her so he lost all his excess weight and tried his best to improve his social skills. Like Pat, Tiffany also suffered a loss, only in her case it’s permanent. She lost her husband to a car accident and she has been depressed since.  Out of job and relying only on dancing to keep her company, she invites Pat to her world and introduces him to self discovery and later on acceptance. 

I have 3 takeaways from that movie.

1. “I was a slut. There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?” -Tiffany

Towards any change and growth I hope to have, acceptance is the first step. I have to love my own brand of crazy no matter how dysfunctional other people perceive me to be.

I start everyday with BBC and end it with Aljazeera. I do this pout thing with my mouth when I love my food. I cyberstalk people I admire. I hate phones so if I don’t call you back, don’t take it personally. I probably stashed my phone somewhere far from me. When I start reading, don’t expect me notice anything or anyone. I’m stubborn, loud, crazy and I enjoy being that way. Of all there is that may be wrong about me, I still love myself, who I am and who I will be.

2. “The only way to beat my crazy was by doing something even crazier. Thank you. I love you. I knew it from the moment I saw you. I’m sorry it took me so long to catch up.” -Pat

I’ll discover myself in the strangest places and with the strangest people and it’s seldom obvious to me until I’ve been changed and I find myself so much happier.

I remember meeting one my closest friends in college on a bad note. We were both sulking from not having gone to the universities we wanted and wound up attending the one our parents chose for us. I was hard on him and he was annoyed with me (much as he refused to admit it, I know he was or is).  Getting to know him though, I realized he’s a great guy who is as crazy as I am (and at 5 AM, even crazier). Although I don’t see much of him anymore and we may not be friends in the future, he will remain to be the guy who has changed me the most. For that, I’m forever grateful.

3. “I hate my illness and I want to control it. This is what I believe to be true: You have to do everything you can and if you stay positive you have a shot at a silver lining.” -Pat

Today, as I am still very doubtful of my life choices, my mantra is to remember that there’s always a silver lining, promises life makes to make every day bearable, to encourage me to go through the motions until the difficult part is over, to remind me that as long as I work hard I’ll power through.

I have to constantly remind myself that if I want to be happy, if I want a shot at a silver lining, I have to forgive myself of my shortcomings and love myself in spite of them. I should trust people and believe the good they do for me. Most importantly, I have to work for what I want and have faith that it will be given to me.