it’s YOUR fault (the blame game)

It’s become so easy for people to transfer blame when needed. Granted pointing a finger is less effort than actually solving the problem or coming clean about issues but ask yourself, who is that really helping?

Not those who were wronged, I’m sure. They’re still there wallowing in their pain, hoping that someone at least says sorry. Not you, you’re in DENIAL. You’re gonna keep making the same mistakes unless YOU recognize they were your mistakes in the first place.

Take that girl you’re dating for example, you’ve been cheating on her for awhile and every time you get into a fight about it. You say she’s being too suspicious. That’s your fear of getting found out projecting onto her as a defense mechanism. (This is clearly a hypothetical guys. LOL. Calm down.)

Or

In my case, I’ve been procrastinating doing something really important, something I should have done for awhile now. Everytime it gets brought up I blame my health, my degree, circumstance. Name an excuse, I’ve probably already used it. Every single reason except the honest one, ME. I’m stuck. I think it’s easier to sit here and wait for things to happen than actually do something about it.

I’m having none of that anymore.

I’m just gonna pick up the phone today and start calling people I need to call to get my book out there. Yes guys, all this ranting is about a book- well, MY book. It’s a long shot but most dreams are.

I guess other than assigning blame on some external force, I let my fear of rejection cripple me. I’ve had my fair share of doors slammed in my face, professionally and not so professionally. *wink* I’ve learned to accept that, but writing, especially literature, is where I’m most vulnerable so I keep putting it off.

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Funny thing about rejection, it’s okay as long as you’re at a safe distance and you have a back-up plan. Remove those and you feel naked, stripped of a get away. That’s when fear sets in and you’re not sure what to do. If you’re ever in a position like this, FACE YOUR FEAR. Usually the thing we’re afraid of the most are the most gratifying to conquer.

Here’s a little nugget of wisdom from someone who has been in denial and afraid for awhile. Take responsibility for your actions, mistakes or otherwise. You’ll find your sleep more comfortable at night and your errors, whatever they were, tucked away in your experience chest. You never know, if you cheated or did something really bad to someone, you just might be forgiven. Sorry goes a long way. At least in my book, it does.

For the dreamers, don’t let fear take over your life. Don’t blame the lack of inspiration, opportunities or some other made-up story you know is just another thing to blame. Focus on the dream and JUST START.

You can be great if you choose to be.

#internetfriendsday

A few weeks back my sister got home from school seething and usually I steer clear of her -or anyone that pissed- when I can but something about her screams ‘let me vent’ so I asked what’s she’s reeling about. She told me that in one of her classes a prof blatantly told the class that there is NO such thing as a friendship forged online.

They’re not REAL friendships.

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Let me tell you about my little sister, she’s a world of words in her head but she usually stays in her quiet corner outside of it. You have to be either really dorky, like me, or very close to her for her to even consider starting a conversation with you much more maintain it. When she started with Twitter and Tumblr, she met teens just like her- a little awkward and shy but very creative and witty and with so many stories to tell and talents to show. She grew more outgoing and trusted people more.

People may argue that it’s an unconventional interaction. You can choose to hide behind anonymity or refuse eye contact or whatever else traditional social interactions it requires to make the encounter a success. Really though, what are the rules of friendship? And who made anyone judge of it?

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Because trust and honesty, they’re not founded on proximity or your ability to physically touch someone, Yes, it makes it infinitely easier to comfort your sobbing best friend if you didn’t have a few thousand miles separating you but where were these apprehensions when we force women into arranged marriages or soldiers falling madly inlove with women they’ve ONLY written letters to. THEY WEREN’T BECAUSE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE ARBITRARY AND YOU HAVE TO JUDGE THEM AS SUCH. 

My ability to be a good friend is not limited to a hug or hauling ice cream and a bunch movies to your place when you feel like crap. It also means that I’m here to listen to your rants, share in your eccentricities, reassure you of how much I care, confide in you when no one else is willing to listen and accept you for everything that you are and choose to do including SHARING A FRIENDSHIP WITH ME ONLINE. No one has the right to tell me what my standards should be for friendships.

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I CHOOSE WHO MY REAL FRIENDS ARE AND THEY’RE BASED ON SO MUCH MORE THAN THE SUPERFICIALITY OF PHYSICAL AFFECTION. 

I’m in no way belittling the treasure mined from friends I’ve physically met and spent lots of time with. They’re all amazing and I thank the heavens everyday that they put up with me. All I’m saying is the connection that I organically feel with them can manifest with anyone, in any form, anywhere. It doesn’t have to be 2 meters away from me. It can be behind a screen, 5 time zones away.

So I’ll end this with a personal message to every single person I’ve met online and established a friendship with. The means of our meeting doesn’t in anyway change my admiration, care and love for each and everyone of you and I’ll debate any prof who tells me otherwise. 

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and danie if you’re reading this, it’s for you love. -wink-

things i wanna do with you

or in the words of the romantic, the couple bucket list.

I’ve had series of posts about real heavy social issues like bullying, social disorder and depression the past few weeks and I thought now’s the time to set a lighter tone. After all this is passport to rainbows. It should have different colors, not always blues and indigos. Here’s your touch of something sunny yellow and love-filled red.

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photo by Artsy, your quirky blogger

Hold your horses people. My typography is far from perfect but I thought my effort to make something as romantic and cheesy is enough to win you over. You know how much I suck at that. So here’s my little attempt to join the bandwagon of couples with their heart-filled eyes and creative gestures.

 

for gay marriage

As I was browsing through some recent posts on Facebook, I read this from a friend.

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Forgive the agitation but that doesn’t, in any way, lessen the conviction I have towards promoting equal rights for all- yes, including LGBT relationships. It was never a secret that I am for gay marriage as I’ve said it a couple of times in my previous posts. (I’ll put the link below in case you wanna read it, for reference or what not.) Marriage is a civil institution and it only becomes a religious ceremony if a couple decides to do it in front of a denomination. Outside of that, it is more a practice of a civil right rather than a violation of some ecumenical belief.

The role of religious institutions has to be clarified because no way is society forcing them to swallow beliefs that are not amenable to them.  However if respect is given to their practices and beliefs then inverse respect is required of them as society decides on issues that are more social in nature. You can’t force churches to marry gay couples in the same way that these churches can’t bastardize societies favoring progressive awarding of rights.

Calling people demonic because they’re born a certain way and pressuring society and governments to do the same is not only below the belt, it’s inhuman. I know there are rational, level-headed and more understanding members of churches; there are a lot in fact so this is not a generalization rather a portrayal of those who go overboard.

photo from heydoyou.com

It obviously pains me that my best friend who believes more in the sanctity of marriage than I ever will can’t be wed because he wants to be with another man. While I who in no way imagines marriage in my future ha that as an option. You can say this issue is more personal than it is logical for me (which almost never happens) but it does not dilute the truth in it.I don’t think pulpits should be used to demonize people for being different, for being born who they are just because norms dictate us to.

We are a far better humanity than that; I still honestly believe that.

*Writer’s Note: Just to be clear, I am not for abortion. I’ll discuss it some other time. I just really needed to talk about gay rights especially when it comes to relationships and the manner by which religious institutions ‘convince’ the public what to believe.
**Links:
  1. https://byunanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/paint-the-town-gay/
  2. https://byunanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/03/01/my-new-normal/
  3. https://byunanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/gay-and-great/

unmailed letter

I read somewhere, sometime ago that bottled emotions especially for other people are best written then kept. That way you get to rid yourself of all the tension; you’re able to express what you truly feel without the possibility of hurting someone else. So I did that.

 I guess that may be the reason why I wanna come clean, to dispense myself of this secret. It’s just too heavy to carry around and you know I wanna go places.

Writing down each word is therapy in itself. It almost feels like I’m talking to him without feeling the compulsion to constantly reword everything, so it doesn’t offend him, so it fits his standards, so it lives up to mine. I could just finally say it and not be sorry I did.

I could sit here all day long and come up with the perfect excuse, the most reasonable one, why I never said anything and decided everyday to stay mum but the truth is I was scared. And you know me, I am seldom scared.

After every word has gone and I have exhausted all I wanted to say, a part of me feels guilty that he will never get to read it. It’s like when a guy likes a girl so much but has decided to be a secret admirer, leaving roses on her doorstep and poetry in her locker. Although he’s so scared for fear of rejection, a part him just wants to come clean and tell her in person because there’s still no substitute for an actual real life conversation with her- not even his imagined romantic day with her. Well, I feel that way. Because more than the frustration I wrote are truths that a part of me believes he deserves to know.

I’m not sure if were meant to be friends for the rest of our lives. I’m not even sure if we’d have each other’s number in 5 years but I’d like this letter to remind you (and in a strange telepathic way remind me) that while I pen these words, you mean so much to me. You’ve made a big impact on my life and I will forever admire the way you chose to live your life- uncompromising and full of integrity.

Even as I type this entry out I still haven’t decided whether I should mail him the letter or not. If I don’t mail it, I still have successfully accomplished my mission to dispense myself of all that I have to say to him without having to feel embarrassed about whatever else I wrote. If I do, we might need to talk about and right now I’m sure if that’s a good thing or not.

I guess maybe I was hoping by the end of this entry I’d finally know what to do but still, nothing.

coffee all day, everyday

I’m a coffee person, that much I’ve made clear.

My morning ritual includes a 10 minute stare down with my poster-infested ceiling, a loooooonggggg shower and a big cup of black coffee. But that’s not the only time of the day when I drink coffee. Sometimes I drink a cold Macchiato for lunch with my sandwich or a quick shot right before I sleep. It’s my go-to drink. There’s just something about coffee that draws me in; maybe it’s the aroma or the comforting bitter taste or maybe even how it reminds me of being back home with my grandparents. Whatever it is, it helps me get through a really tough day.

Then I thought, I know SOMEONE (well a few) who does that for me as well. My go-to people. You know, those people who, during a really BAD (as in all caps B-A-D) day, will wallow with you in your bitterness then lift you up and make you feel soooooo much better. You feel they really love you because you can go to them at anytime of the day (at 3 AM when only the roosters are up or at 10 PM when everyone else would rather party) and they’d be there, listening, comforting, hugging and encouraging.

photo from slowbuddy.com

If you have those friends, you’re lucky. Not everyone does

Cherish them. Tell them how amazing they are and how grateful you are to have them. They deserve at least that if not a free cup of coffee (*coughs*). So to my friends who have been there through all my craziness, here’s to us. Here’s to you AND THE CUP OF COFFEE I OWE YOU.

 

healthy conversations

One of the many reasons why I love coming home is the amount of time we spend still sitting on our chairs around the table long after we finished breakfast.  I was raised by two academe-loving parents, with a dad that always encourages discourse so imagine how that translated to my extra curricular activities all through out school.

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Just this morning we started talking about the PDAF Scam, arguably the most embarrassing issue plaguing the  Philippine Congress today. We discussed facts, what we thought about them, where the government should go from here, how this issue affects legit foundations and so on. It’s a frustrating topic considering how much casually the accused are taking it and how fearful the witnesses are for their lives, WHAT A ROLE REVERSAL. Shouldn’t the crooks feel the least bit ashamed or distraught if not afraid? Shouldn’t the witnesses feel more relieved and hopeful? That’s clearly too much to ask in a society where thieves are put on pedestals while the rest of us look up to see their bum excreting billions of stolen money. (See how hyped I get because of this? It’s almost funny.)

*calming down* Anyway, it’s reassuring to have people around you who you can discuss absolutely anything with and not feel as if you’re overstepping or acting like a total dork (which I am, by the way). I don’t know if many people have this with the their families or friends but if you do then you know how important it is to feel heard, to feel understood. Those long breakfast conversations may seem like boring routines we can get rid of but to me they’re boosts I need to get me through many more discouraging days.

So here’s to being heard and being understood.

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why we all love reunions

At different points in our lives we decide that the best thing to do is move on and live our lives towards the path that would help us grow the most. That usually means leaving people we’ve met, ones who we used to spend every waking second with, while awkwardly meeting new ones. It’s never easy especially if you’re not the type to open up quickly.

The key for me is to know that moving forward and meeting new people doesn’t mean saying goodbye to them completely. Yes, the relationship will change but so do most other relationships that you will have. I may not spend every vacant period with my college friends anymore but we still enjoy trips together or the occasional coffee after work. I try my very best not to take them for granted and to recognize that they still are an important part of my life even if I don’t see them as often as I’d like.

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an entire afternoon with my Remontados Debate Varsity family

That’s why moments like yesterday are ones I live for and always look forward to. Reunions with old friends who I feel most comfortable with, who ground me in the best possible way. We all love the chance to reunite with our friends because it reminds us of who were, what we used to love and what made us really happy once. Our relationship with them, their recollection of us also underlines how much we’ve grown and how far we’ve come.

because he’s doing a great job

A good compliment is hard to find these days and that’s just truly upsetting. There are days when I feel that the undertone of people’s conversations is always finding, scavenging even, for the minuscule mistake in the  greatest of actions.

Edited by K. Relloso

Nothing is ever good enough anymore. The singing was too raw or too practiced. The food is too homey and this one is just too innovative. She dresses with so much pastels. She’s so dull. That painting is too obvious. That literature is too intellectual. I see nothing wrong in seeking perfection, in demanding for something better but if that hinders us to from seeing beauty and sincerity then that’s just too much.

It doesn’t make you lesser of a person because you appreciate people and their efforts. It only you means care enough to notice. So today find it in yourself to tell your mom her scrambled eggs are amazing even if they’re not as fluffy as you like them. Tell the bus driver he’s doing a great job. Sing someone a praise every now and then. They deserve it. 

Mr. Chivalry and Ms. Gender Equality

How many of us women expect a guy to open the door for us, pay for dinner, offer to carry the bags or take our puppies for walks? And yet, we also expect to be treated equally and with as much independence as anyone is allowed.

I know, I know guys. It sounds ultra confusing and it just underlines the prehistoric argument that women are fickle and are from a different planet. Bear with me as I give a you peek into our allegedly differently wired brains.

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Patriarchal paradigms took decades to destroy and to this day there are still semblances of that kind of discrimination so forgive us, male species, if we feel apprehensive whenever you selflessly offer us a hand. Like most people, there are days when we feel we have to stand up for ourselves even in the smallest of threatening circumstances- carrying our luggage, opening the door or calling a cab home. I’m sure this also happens when we take care of you too much like bringing you cookies during boys night out or making you wear knitted pink cardigans. Emasculating right? Well, deviating from the take-care-of-us habit makes us feel we can take care of ourselves, we’re our own people- which is true of course. It doesn’t mean we do not appreciate your instinct to help out when you see fit. Accept that there times when we don’t want to be helped.

Then there’s also the argument that different women have different tolerances to chivalry. I, for instance, thank men who offer me a seat during the long commute because I’m usually wearing 5 inch pumps but I don’t believe men should always pay when going on dates. You’re not a credit card. I can’t just charge all of our outings on your wad because I ate and had fun too. Don’t blame the entire female population for your thinning wallet because not every one is after free dinners and your shiny card. And yes, there will be women who will not tolerate any man doing anything for them period. There are also those who are traditional and would demand that you do everything for them.  Those extremes exist and if you land one of those girls, it’s up to you to figure out her individual tolerance. Most of us on the other hand want a perfect balance of independence and gentlemanly encounters. It’s not the confusing, right?

Intent is also an important ingredient when performing acts of chivalry. A gentlemen opens a door for a girl not because he thinks she’s a lesser being, weaker and easily manipulated by men, but because he respects her enough and wishes to show simple acts of admiration by making her life a little easier. You see, intent may not be said but it is felt. Woman or not, a person knows when someone is doing an act good out of good or out of sheer arrogance.

The goal of feminism or gender quality is not to destroy moments of interaction between men and women.

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Empowering ourselves, knowing that we are treated as equals in all media does not reduce our clamor for romance and simple, random acts of admiration. Feminism means listen to us. Understand our needs and make us a part of your decisions. Often the best forms of chivalry respond to that need when used at the right time with the right women.